Please, Don't Hurt My Mom!

So, I get a call today informing me that my mom needs $300 on her jpay acct TODAY, or some broad is gonna cause her great harm.I immediately started shaking. Something kept telling me not to answer the phone earlier when this person kept calling. I am not a morning person and really didn't need to start my day with my mom on the 3-way, frantically telling me this story.

I didn't even care why. I really didn't even want to know. But, I realized that the caller had been dealing with this all morning, while I was being the denial queen I am famous for being. I knew in my gut that she was calling with something bad. So, when I finally answered her call, I had to let her get it all off of her worried chest.


Then, it came down to the money itself. The caller had already sent $100. I only had $100 to send, which I put on her jpay account while we were still on the phone. She said that everyone else told her no, for one reason or another. I am trying to understand every one's point of view. But, the bottom line is, this is not extortion. She actually owes this woman money for something another family member promised to give her the money for. A necessity. Now, that person doesn't have the money. Understandable. So, we ALL need to pitch in. Even if you can only send $10. That's real talk!

Anyway! I don't have it in me to let this stress me out today. I have been making myself physically ill with my alcoholism, cigarettes and stress. As of this moment, I am giving this up to God. I made a decision this morning to check into rehab, ASAP. I cannot let this deter me from what I need to do to save my own life.

God will take this problem under his wing and handle it for us, because He knows I cannot. I need to save my strength for the journey I have ahead of me.

This is the life of The Prisoner's Daughter.

She Wants to be a Grandmother

Every so often, I get a letter from my mom which contains a newspaper clipping or other information related to fertility. My mom has wanted to be a grandmother most of my adult life. Now that I am 40, she's going through a panic about me starting menopause recently.

I have always wanted children, all my life. I could never seem to be in a relationship that I felt was loving enough to bring a child into. So, I've pretty much put it off until now. But, having a family of my own is definitely still my biggest dream and daily prayer to God.

Now, things are complicated even more by the fact that I am in love with a man prison. (See my blog, "The Prisoner's Fiance" for details.) He still has a couple of years to go, while I continue to go through menopause. My mother truly fears that this choice may cause me to never be able to have children.

I've started researching the different fertility options that I may have. I am still researching and going through consultations, but it looks like I've pretty much made a decision. I plan to have my eggs frozen. That way, if all of my eggs are useless by the time my boo gets released, we will still have the option of using my frozen eggs to make our family.

Because he has been my best friend for two decades, he always knew there were some type of fertility issues for me. Now that we're in love, he is more than happy to go through whatever procedures we need to in order to have children together.

I guess the only question will be, "How many eggs do we use at one time"? Knowing my mother, she will say "Use them all"! But, Lord knows I don't want to be "Me & Him + 8" or "The New Octo-mom." LOL! LMBO!

3 Generations, Together After So Long

Last weekend, I took my grandmother to see my mom in prison. It was my mother's first time seeing her mother and only child at the same time in almost seven years (not including court dates where she was so heavily sedated that she was technically incoherent.)

It was a real treat for the three of us. It was ironically a very happy day. There we were, three generations of strong, independent women, chopping it up like the women of love that we are. The ironic part was that the strongest one of all, the one from the middle generation, is a CDCR prisoner.

It's so amazing watching our family grow since this tragedy which has become a blessing to myself, my mother and my family in so many ways. When I was born, I was born to a mother, two grandmothers, two great-grandmothers, a great-great-grandmother, two grandfathers and a surrogate great-great-grandfather. Of all of these people, all but one is the oldest of their generation. And that one, is an only child. I, too, am the oldest of my generation.

Growing up, this came with great responsibility. Truth be told, it sill does. The day my mom was arrested, I knew that day had come when I would have to be even more responsible than ever. I would have to carry the load of the strongest person alive in our family, while carrying the load of being the only one strong enough to carry her weight.

I know there are things that I could have said and done to be more supportive to those that needed me. But, all and all, I handled it the best way I knew how... alone. Once my mom's trials were over and she was finally Level 4 and "on the bus", it was time to concentrate on me again. I had forgotten who I was. I couldn't even remember what I was doing before this happened. Who were my friends? What did I like to do? What were my skills? What did I want out of life? Since I was unable to answer any of these questions, I had to take time out to reinvent myself.

Thanks to the encouragement (and pushiness) of my father, I found myself in and through God. I used His word and love to guide me to where He wanted me to be. I chose to forgive God for "making my life so bad." Which allowed me to forgive myself (for not finding a way to save my mother). From there, the forgiveness just rolled on and on until I wasn't even mad at my molester anymore.

So, it was interesting to see the three of us, three strong women, women who represent their generations, evolving, growing, loving, praying, preaching, sharing and caring. Only God knows what the meaning of all of this is. And, my faith tells me there is definitely a meaning, a spiritual purpose. Only God knows if the three of us will ever get to share those days together one day on the streets. But, I do know that prisoner or not, my mother will always have pride in her eyes when she sees her mother and/or her child. And, prisoner or not, my Granny and I will always love and support my mother no matter what.

During my mom's downward spiral, the drugs told her that her family did not love her and that she did not need her family. Now, as a prisoner, she loves and needs us more than ever. And, as a family, we were so fed up with her mess that we had given up on her. Now, we all know the importance of standing by her... of standing by each other.

What's the true irony of it all? That it took for my mom to go to prison for my entire family to learn to love each other unconditionally again, and function independently and as a family, without the strongest structure in the family.

The moral to this story: Love them all you can until... always!